Today was weigh in day...and as every one who has been reading knows I was hoping to hit the triple digits this week....well....YEAH!!!!! I lost 5 more pounds to put the total at 100 pounds lost so far!!!!!!! God it feels good to have to type those three numbers to display my total weight loss!!!! I have a lot more to go, but in this moment I feel lighter than air!! In 5 1/2 months, I have found the inner strength not to give up or give in. I have started Yoga, something I would have never thought of doing 5 months ago. I can run up the stairs with out getting short of breath. I have gotten to the point that I can fly without having to worry about whether the seatbelt will buckle. I have faced temptations and challenges and holidays and not given in to the them not because I was making some huge sacrifice, but because my health was more important.
So on to the thought provoking question...F is great at being my rock and support system and after we celebrated this accomplishment, we started to talk about my next goal. I have over 100 pounds left to go to get to the goal weight that I have in mind. He asked "What are you going to do if you get close to your goal and the weight loss stops and it is something that no amount of exercise or cutting of calories can change?" So my first answer was that I would assess if I could be happy for the rest of my life with my body at that point. F said, "what if you aren't?" My response was then I would look into the plastic surgery to remove any excess skin, the research I have done says that I can expect to have up to 20 pounds of excess skin after I lose all the weight. I told him that I would do whatever was necessary to get the skin removed and then reassess if I could be happy with my body. F said, "and if you aren't?" I thought about that for few moments and said, "The I will see a psychologist, because then I would obviously have much deeper issues." That being said, I probably do have much deeper issues...I can honestly tell you that there are moments that I look in the mirror and do not see any difference in my body now versus 100 pounds ago. I can rationlize with myself that there must be differences because I am wearing smaller sized clothes and have more energy and can do all these different things, but inside there is this little voice that still says you are the same, you are still obese and that is what people see when they look at you...It is like the line from the Pink song "Change those voices in you head make them like you instead"
I am still working on that battle and maybe that is hardest change that I have to make in my life. The question is how do I do that when I have spent over 30 years beating myself up for being overweight? How do you heal that little girl inside of me that spent her childhood, loving school because she loved to learn but hating to go to school because she knew it would just another day of being teased and laughed at and humilated? I grew up, rose above it and became successful and I even forgave all of those that participated in that torture that I call "my childhood". They were kids too and they did not know that those words and deeds were causing scars to my soul. I have to figure out how to forgive myself now and realize that I am the person I am today because of those scars. I have a wonderful husband that loves me for me, a beautiful, healthy daughter that sees me as the most fabulous mom on the face of the earth, and pretty nice work life where people realize that I know what I am talking about most of the time. Friends that have stayed in my life even though I have moved hundreds away. Still there is always that self doubt, I have problems making new friends because I think I do not fit in. I can put on the social face, but I am uncomfortable going out with groups of people because somewhere deep down I feel like the group does not really want me around and that I am being judged for how I look on the outside. So no matter what the situation, in groups I always feel like I am on the outside looking in on the group.
Obviously I have more to work on both on the outside and the inside..
Enough deep provoking thoughts for one day...time to eat something and chill with my family...
Talk to you later.
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