I want to start this blog with a disclaimer:
I do not advocate any form of self-diagnosis. Diagnosis of medical or psychological disorders should be done by a professional.
I am not the type of person that bursts into tears at the drop of a hat. In fact, I am the type of person that holds any of the negative emotions inside and hides that part of myself from others. This may be because when I was growing up "the fat girl" I found that if I cried at school when others would tease, harass, and humilate me, that my crying would only make it worse and lead to more teasing, harassment, and humiliation from my torturers. I learned to laugh and hide those negative feelings in public and then wait until I got home in the privacy of my room and then I would cry into my pillow so no one would see my pain. I would try to avoid the pain and humiliation by pretending to be sick. I would then build myself up so that I could face the humiliation the next day. I never went to school dances or parties, not that I was ever invited, but even those things that you did not need to be invited to, I just did not go...I was very much a major homebody. I had a couple of good friends and they would eventually convince me to go to the movies or over to thier house to hang out, but in general I felt like they were happy not to have the fat girl at thier party. Most of my coping mechanisms involved using my intelligence to help those who would tease and humilate me with their homework in hopes that this would lead to them not trying to hurt me. It worked for the time that they "needed" me but as soon as it was done, it was inevitable that they would turn on me when they no longer needed my help and the humiliation would begin again. I craved back then to be invited, but I knew it would not happen. Please do not get me wrong, I did have some good friends and they know who they are!!
Once I reached adult hood and my weight was not the issue that it once was in relation to my relationships, I still avoided those social situations like work parties, because I still felt uncomfortable in my own skin. It is amazing that even as an adult, that when I hear people whispering and laughing that my mind still goes to "they are talking about how fat I am and how I look". I was blessed enough to find a guy who loved me for me and did not judge me based on my weight....I would not be where I am today without his love and support and I do have great friends that are my support system now as I take this journey. I still suffer that anxiety though, everytime he says, we sould go dancing at a club (yes I love to dance in my living room) my heart starts racing and the anxiety begins that somehow I am going to walk into the club and start dancing and the other patrons will begin to say things like "Did you feel that earthquake? That was not an earthquake just the fat girl dancing". So I put off going...I felt the same way the first time I went to Yoga..the anxiety I felt on the drive to the studio the first time was almost overwhelming. Luckily I chose a small studio and the first couple of classes had very small groups. So I was able to overcome the anxiety, but there are still times that when I look in the mirrors at yoga I see so many of my body's flaws and look at the other people in class and think, "god, they have to be wondering why the fat person is here..."
So that brings me to yesterday and moment that I broke into tears in A's office. I went in to talk about some big projects at work and after the discussion was over we were just talking and she asked me if I was going to therapy.....now let me explain A lost a lot of weight due to illness. She went on to tell a story about her shopping experience this weekend and seeing a top that she liked that was only available in a medium and her thought process when the sales clerk came up and said "we have more sizes in the back and how she jumped to the conclusion that they were implying that she was too big to fit in a medium and that she was getting fat again, when in fact they thought that she needed a small or x-small. She asked if I ever had these types of feeling and so began the tear works. Yes I feel this way all the time...I walk into one of the "regular" stores and I am so afraid that they are going to take one look at me and say that I do not belong there. I do not see myself as thin at all...I see the flaws like the excess hanging skin on my arms and stomach. We began to talk about Body Dysmorphic Disorder and whether we could have it and benefit from some therapy. So that led to me writing this blog trying to sort out all my feelings and issues..
I also realized that I never blogged about my weigh in....I lost 1 1/2 pounds so I am at 163 pounds so far.
Food intake has been typical and I loved my yoga class on sunday...Speaking of exercise, I am going to a Richard Simmons class tonight if I can find the strength inside to put on workout clothes and go with my co-workers...
Well time to get ready for work!!!
Talk to you later.
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